she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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