Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
