my phone needs a breathalizer
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
