I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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