I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
