You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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