Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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