I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
