I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
