I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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