so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
