You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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