i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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