Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
