dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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