just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
