Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
