besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
