I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm getting married
To pizza
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
