Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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