Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
