her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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