My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
