had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
