yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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