My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
