Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
