Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize