sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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