i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
