If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
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my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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