Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You dont lie about slip and slides
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
