I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
