Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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