I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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