You smell like a Billy Joel song
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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