I murdered the dance floor call the cops
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
