I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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