I skipped work to stalk him.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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