she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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