Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
