I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
