I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
