Screwed.edu
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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