We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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