Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
