in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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