i just sent this text using only my big toe
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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