I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
