3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
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it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize