my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
