At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
