hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
