It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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