she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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